Let me start by sharing that sexual fantasies are natural and, yes, pretty much everyone has them. If they don’t admit to that, they’re probably lying.
Wendy Maltz, a sex therapist and author of In the Garden of Desire: The Intimate World of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, reports that sexual fantasies are normal and approximately 95% of men and women have them. She found that most sexual fantasies enhance our sexual experiences while increasing sexual interest and arousal, and decreasing anxiety about sex.
According to Maltz, men most often fantasize about impersonal sexual escapades, while women’s fantasies involve relationship dynamics, such as foreplay and tactile stimulation.
So, if everyone has them, what are the most common sexual fantasies and how can you enjoy them in real life?
Our Most Common Sexual Fantasies
According to research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine, most women fantasize about having sex in a specific location, while most men fantasize about receiving oral sex. Both sexes reported fantasies involving multiple partners and many admitted to wanting to take a passive role during sex.
Your #1 Sexual Fantasy = Multi-Partner Sex
This seems to be a pretty common fantasy, but for many, inviting a third party into a relationship can be uncomfortable. What if your partner likes them better or never wants to have coupled sex again? Threesomes and multi-partner sex in real life may bring up a lot of emotions—and possibly tricky situations.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: I suggest, rather than inviting another person into your relationship, try bringing a realistic sex toy into your bedroom first.
By bringing in a realistic dildo or vaginal stroker, you and your lover can see what it feels like to have another sexual anatomy in the mix before committing to a third party. Sometimes, two penises or two vaginas turn out to be one too many.
Testing out this fantasy with sex toys first is also a great way to start a conversation about adding other partners.
Your #2 Sexual Fantasy = Being Dominated
Taking a passive role in sexual situations is another common fantasy. This can be illustrated by how many people have dabbled with BDSM.
Psychologists believe this may be why certain individuals are attracted to “bad boys” and “bad girls”.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: Suggest to your partner that you would like to try handcuffs or some type of restraints. Sometimes being able to comfortably give up control to your partner is sexually freeing.
Your #3 Sexual Fantasy = Rough Sex
Research found that desires for rough sex are usually triggered by curiosity or a need to shake things up a bit. When study participants were asked how “rough sex” differs from “typical sex,” both men and women said it made orgasms are more frequent and intense.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: Discuss options with your partner surrounding consensual rough sex. Perhaps consider spanking or paddling to start. Make sure you keep communication open with your partner so you both know what “too far” means to each of you.
Your #4 Sexual Fantasy = Sex Adventures
Sexual adventure fantasies can encompass sex outside, joining the mile-high club, or a new type of sexual activity. Emotions and sensations brought on by adventurous sex can be thrilling! Arousal and adrenaline can help amplify pleasurable feelings.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: Start with a sexual activity that seems exciting to you, since everyone’s desires are unique. Discuss options with your partner, such as trying new sexual positions or sex in different rooms of your home, other than the bedroom. Or try wearing a butt plug during sex to enjoy new sensations.
Your #5 Sexual Fantasy = Forbidden Sex
According to research published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine that studied what was considered to be unusual sexual fantasies, a lot depends on what you personally consider to be forbidden. The study was calculated using the ‘Wilson Sex Fantasy Questionnaire’ which includes a list of 40 sexual fantasy themes ranging from “normal and innocuous to deviant and relatively obscene”.
For some, having your feet sucked, enjoying period sex, or practicing anilingus could be considered taboo.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: Spend some time considering what you consider a forbidden fantasy and how it can be safely tried in your real life. Discuss with your partner how they can help you enjoy a forbidden sexual fantasy of your own.
Your #6 Sexual Fantasy = Passion Overload
Some sexual fantasies are about over-the-top romance. Fantasizing about passionately holding hands, candlelight, and sexy talk can cause a sensual arousal response.
Your Real-Life Suggestion: Share with your partner that you’d like to have more sexually-charged date nights, buy candles that melt into massage oil, and treat yourself to new lingerie or undergarments. Keep seductive thoughts in the forefront of your mind.
Some Fantasies are better Remaining Fantasies
Lots of people have fantasies and while they titillate their minds, they would not want to experience them “in real life”. Sometimes, when a sexual fantasy is acted upon, it isn’t quite as wonderful as imagined.
Psychologists believe that some fantasies serve psychological purposes and are a normal part a person’s interior world—and that sharing sexual fantasies with your trusted partner, rather than acting them out, can help strengthen the bond of your relationship.
What’s your top sexual fantasy? Have tried any of your sexual fantasies in real life? Please send me your questions and comments. I’m always here to help you.
