Fetishes and Fantasies: How to Share (and Fulfill!) Your Sexual Secrets

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What is a Fetish?

Fetish as a descriptor is becoming quite popular. Lately, when someone has a deep love of something, they describe their attraction as a fetish. Sushi, HGTV, or Bonsai class fetishes are really a misuse of the word in its truest meaning.  

Traditionally, a fetish is described as a form of sexual desire where gratification is entwined with a particular object, a non-genital part of the body or perhaps a bodily secretion. As an example, historical anthropologists discovered that Victorian men developed fetishes focusing on bare ankles, feet, shoes, and boots.

Fetishes develop and can last for years. It’s also common for people to enjoy multiple fetishes simultaneously, which means new ones can be developed but they rarely replace current fetishes. 

A lot of fetishes are combinations of a body part—think feet, stockings, and shoes. This may be because, according to research, our brains can form sexual associations around objects related to body parts. So, if a person enjoys fingers, their brains can imagine gloves along with that particular body part. 

Sexual fetishes are generally a combination of physical and psychological, so your brain can learn to tie arousal to a particular object by how your mind and body react to it. 

Fulfillment Homework: Stop and think. Is there a particular item or body part that arouses you? 


The Most Common Fetish?

A study from the University of Bologna found the most popular fetishes seem to center on body parts, such as toes or feet, and items associated with those body parts, like shoes.  

This makes sense since each foot has around 7,000 nerve endings, making them extremely sensitive to touch, pressure, temperature—and adoration! 

For some, feet can be a significant erogenous area and reflexology shows certain toes are connected to genital pleasure. 

Fulfillment Homework: Try massaging the middle/upper part of the foot in firm, circular motions. Reflexology states that massaging here has the ability to send waves of energy to sensitive areas like nipples, the penis, and the vulva. 


Let’s Talk Sexual Fantasies

Sexual fantasies can be varied and unique to each individual person and can be a common part of sexual functioning. There are many people that regularly enjoy sexual fantasies as a healthy part of their relationship. 

Sexual fantasies can be deeply personal. Of course, some fantasies are influenced by our culture and current events. Other fantasies can have roots in upbringings and how a person was raised. Whether inspired by imagination or a memory, the role of sexual fantasies is to create arousal in a person’s life.  

They can encourage and promote sexual pleasure and allow people to act out desires and experiences that may be considered forbidden.  

Fulfillment Homework: Start by writing down a couple of sexual fantasies that appeal to you. Ask your partner to do the same. Discuss which sexual fantasies might be fun to try. 


Should You Share All Your Fantasies?

I would recommend not sharing all of your sexual fantasies. Sometimes sexual fantasies serve the purpose of arousing your own senses and when shared, they may lose some of their enticement. 

Some fantasies serve as our own personal mental foreplay and are meant to remain private.  

While you may want to share all of your sexual fantasies and secret desires with your partner, consider sharing a few and keeping some to yourself to continue to enjoy privately or to share at a future date. 

And while many sexual fantasies may arouse you, they may not affect your partner in the same manner. There are fantasies that may make others feel uncomfortable. This is because everyone has their own preferences. And this doesn’t mean that one sexual fantasy is better than another. It just illustrates that everyone’s tastes are unique. 

Fulfillment Homework: Mentally review your fantasies and determine which ones will remain your own personal delights. 


How to Share Your Sexual Fantasies with Your Lover 

Admittedly, it may be uncomfortable to talk about your sexual fantasies with your partner. You may fear judgment or feel that your partner may react negatively. 

Sharing your sexual fantasies can be a sensitive moment. It can be hard to gauge what your lover’s reaction may be. For that reason, it’s best to start slowly and share a couple of fantasies that may be easy for you and your partner to try out. 

Disclosing something so intimate may be challenging. But sharing these personal desires can be helpful in creating a deeper relationship bond. Sensitive disclosures like this can create in-depth discussions about preferences and arousal responses. 

Remember to be confident about your feelings and fantasies, regardless of how your partner may feel or respond. It’s okay to be aroused by something, even if others aren’t. 

Fulfillment Homework: Ask your partner for their support in sharing one, or a few, of your sexual fantasies with them. Be open to discussing ways your sexual fantasies can be explored. 


Can Fetishes & Fantasies cause Problems?

According to research, it’s how you fulfill your desires that determines if your fetish or sexual fantasy is healthy, or not. 

If you’re feeling distress about your desires or your sexual fantasy may cause harm to another individual, that’s when you may choose to seek professional advice. 


Common Fetishes/Fantasies You Can Explore

#1 Bondage

One of the most common sexual fantasies includes bondage. Discuss with your partner trying handcuffs, wrist restraints, or other bondage sex toys. Remember to have open communication about expectations and let your partner know if the experience is uncomfortable—or your hottest sex ever!

View PinkCherry restraints options here


#2 Foot Worship

Feet, as mentioned above, can be incredibly sensitive to touch. Discuss with your partner giving each other sensual foot massages. Consider edible massage oils in case toe nibbling happens. 

View PinkCherry erotic massage oil options here


#3 Multi-partner Sex

Before you get concerned about inviting additional lovers into your relationship, I suggest you try phallic-shaped toys. There are plenty of realistic dildos and lifelike masturbators that will allow you and your lover to test-drive how having another set of genitals added to your sex play feels. 

View PinkCherry realistic options here


#4 Anal Sex

Anal sex is near the top of many sexual fantasy lists. Rather than rush into trying it, consider sampling an anal trainer set and enjoy some personal pleasure time to become acquainted with the feeling of fullness. 

View PinkCherry anal trainer options, including starter anal beads, plugs, and kits. 

One last word of advice—exploration is healthy! Sex lives can become stagnant and boring. Try keeping things feeling fresh by exploring fetishes and fantasies to keep your own sex life flourishing. 


Did you try the fulfillment homework mentioned in this article? Are there fetishes and fantasies that you can’t wait to explore? Please send me your questions and comments. I’m always here to help you. 

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Dr. Sunny Rodgers is a clinician, author, and speaker who has worked in the wellness industry since 2000. She holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, a Master of Arts in Clinical Sexology, and is an accredited Sexual Health Educator. She is the Founder of The Institute of Intimate Health, an Ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association, regular lecturer for the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Sexual Confidence Coach for the Marigold App, and a professional Sex Toy Concierge™. Rodgers hosted a popular weekly show on Playboy Radio, has been an expert guest on several TV and radio programs, and is a regular contributor to HuffPost, Men's Health, Cosmo, Bustle, and many more publications.