Hit Refresh on Your Sex Life

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Do you have sex in the same position over and over again? Do you usually have sex on the same night of the week? Is foreplay a distant memory? 


Boredom can be destructive to sex lives. And many times, we get stuck in patterns and aren’t sure how to get out of the rut. It can be discouraging to no longer enjoy the sex position that you were hooked on early in your relationship. 


Doing something repeatedly, even if it once held so much pleasure for you, may become lackluster and can influence how you feel about your partner. There’s actually a term for this—the Coolidge Effect. It happens after mating with the same partner for too long and finding sex to not be novel or interesting anymore. It’s believed to be inescapable and pretty much everyone experiences this effect to a different degree of intensity. But, what if you had options, such as hitting refresh on your relationship? 


Are You Stuck?

Sit down and think about the following question. Are you excited to have sex?


Thoughts of sex should trigger anticipation, make your blood flow, and give you a warm glow. But, if that excitement is no longer there, it can make sex seem like a bummer. 


Sometimes the change in is out of your control, such as a byproduct of medication or a medical condition. Some therapists believe that sexual boredom can be a sign of anxiety, depression, or stress. So, a frank discussion with your partner may be the first place to start. 


Ready to Hit Refresh? Let’s Come Up with A Plan!

How do you keep sexual excitement alive? With novelty, surprise, and a bit of uncertainty. 


First, you have to want to hit refresh. Sometimes you can’t make a change until you’ve reached the proverbial end of your rope. When many people reach this point, they find hitting that refresh button to be the only choice that seems to make sense. 


Refresh Plan #1 – All About Opposites 

Let’s start with a simple homework assignment. If you normally use your right hand to manually masturbate, try using your left hand. Yes, I’m asking you to use the opposite hand. 


You may find the resulting sensations interesting, strange, and new. 


This is the point with an Opposites Refresh Plan. Simply reversing something that’s usual in a sexual situation, can cause that uncertainty, which may lead to an experience that feels refreshed. 


If your partner is the one who normally initiates sex—you do it. If you normally have sex in the bedroom, try sex in the shower, on a rug in front of a fireplace, or perhaps someplace private outdoors. If you always use the same couple’s toy—it’s time to try a new one! Consider air-pulse technology, rather than vibration. 


Commit to trying a bit of something opposite to beat boredom. 


Refresh Plan #2 – Shake Things Up!

Excitement breeds, well, excitement. And sometimes the only way to hit refresh is to plan something a little bit crazy. 


Grab your partner and consider one or more of the following options: 


Create an entire meal out of aphrodisiacs

    Research shows that aphrodisiacs can help increase libido and sexual pleasure—which can help reset passions in your relationship. There are cookbooks and recipes dedicated to yummy aphrodisiac foods, such as ‘Intimacy On The Plate: 200+ Aphrodisiac Recipes to Spice Up Your Love Life’ or ‘Romancing the Stove: The Unabridged Guide to Aphrodisiac Foods’. Discuss with your lover and get cooking!


    Check something off your “Sexual Fantasy” list.

    Everyone has one. It’s that “wish” list of sexual activities that you’d like to try, even if it’s just once. Well, hitting refresh and shaking things up means it’s time to choose something on your list and making it a reality. 


    Is it joining the Mile High club? (Yes, there’s a Mile High Club company that may make this fantasy easier to achieve!) Or, is it trying anal sex? Wearing a blindfold or high heels during sex? 


    Discuss fantasy options with your partner and see if you have any matching fantasies. Set a date that your sexual fantasy, and one of theirs as well, needs to be played out by. The anticipation alone should help you hit refresh!


    Refresh Plan #3 – Start Over

    Have you ever wished you could go back in time to when your relationship was new, fresh, and exciting? Well, that wish might not be as far as you think. 


    It’s time to re-learn your relationship! 


    Make a date with your partner and there’s one rule – both of you have to agree to begin again. Pretend it’s your first date all over again. Introduce yourselves, share your goals and plans, describe how you see yourself. There are great books available that can help guide your conversation, such as ‘4,000 Questions for Getting to Know Anyone and Everyone’ or ‘The Couple’s Quiz Book: 350 Fun Questions to Energize Your Relationship’. 


    Sure, this may seem silly, but it’s better than allowing your relationship to remain “stuck”. Keep an open mind. You may just find out some new things about your partner that you never knew or considered. 


    Hitting Refresh = Making Your Own Excitement

    Whatever method you choose to refresh your relationship, remember to keep a focus on the present and not dwell on the past. Refreshing your relationship is a chance to create new sensations, emotions, and opportunities. 


    If one suggestion doesn’t work, try another. Be committed to trying something new and to reviving those sexy feelings. No matter your situation, using your energy to refresh your relationship will be worth your effort. 


    Why do you want to hit refresh on your relationship? Have one of the recommended tips or techniques worked for you? Please send me your questions and comments. I’m always here to help you. 

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    Dr. Sunny Rodgers is a clinician, author, and speaker who has worked in the wellness industry since 2000. She holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, a Master of Arts in Clinical Sexology, and is an accredited Sexual Health Educator. She is the Founder of The Institute of Intimate Health, an Ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association, regular lecturer for the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Sexual Confidence Coach for the Marigold App, and a professional Sex Toy Concierge™. Rodgers hosted a popular weekly show on Playboy Radio, has been an expert guest on several TV and radio programs, and is a regular contributor to HuffPost, Men's Health, Cosmo, Bustle, and many more publications.