Help! I Love My Boyfriend but the Sex is Bad

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You adore your boyfriend. He’s lovely in so many ways. And then comes that fateful day where a date turns lusty, and you end up with a wild romp in the bedroom and realize… you were under-whelmed. 


Perhaps your friends, family, especially your mother, has told you that as you age, sexual desires will fade and it’s important to have a man in your life who your heart loves.


Well, I’m here to share some good news with you. Unless there’s something seriously wrong, your boyfriends’ sexual skills can be improved!


In case you need an example, allow me to remind you that no one comes out of the womb walking, right? Everyone has to learn to walk. And just like walking, sexual skills can sometimes need guidance—and patience. 


Unfortunately, the limited sexual education that there is does not include how to have good sex. So most people have to figure it out for themselves. This means most guys learn their sex techniques from their buddies, R-rated movies, or porn. So, right from the start, men seem to think women orgasm EVERY time and at the same time as their partners. 


Sex School

Snappy title, right? 


Basically, if your boyfriend is not performing to your preferences in the bedroom, it’s your job to teach him what you want. You can become his sexual teacher and help him learn what makes you hot. 


First, we’re going to tackle communication. Why? Because it’s HARD to tell your boyfriend that he’s not all that when it comes to sex. 


How to Talk to Your Boyfriend About Sex

While this should be an entirely separate article, let’s go over a few helpful basics.


Do Not Make Accusations

That’s right. It’s no one’s fault. He likes sex one way (probably because that’s all he knows) and you prefer sex another way (one where you reach a satisfying climax). 


So, approach this conversation in a light, fun tone and be positive. Share what you do like about your sex life with him, i.e., soft hands, tender kisses, and perhaps the occasional hair tug. 


Be Positive

Once you’ve shared some of what you do like, share how you feel about him. This practice should be solidly based in love. 


No Complaints

In order to make this work as a fun “project” you’ll be doing together, don’t complain about those lack of orgasms or his scratchy beard. Use “I” statements and let him know you want to try some new things sexually and you’d like to do it with him. 


Practice Patience 

He may be caught off guard and may retreat into himself when the topic of sex comes up. This is understandable since you may be the first female who has talked to him frankly about sex. 


Just be patient. He may need a day, or few, to process that he’ll be entering into sexual experimentation with you. 


1st Semester of Sex School Begins!

This may be tricky and may require you to come out of your own comfort zone as well, but consider a masturbation session where he’s instructed to just watch you pleasure yourself. 


Tell him there will be a quiz! 


Instruct him to pay close attention to your hands, your motions, your movements. Tell him to watch where you touch yourself—say hello to erogenous areas as you walk him through where your hot spots are. 


When he can’t stand it anymore and is begging to touch you, have him start by recreating the same touches and techniques in the same areas you showed him.


Lesson 1 is done!


2nd Semester of Sex School

Let’s move on to tongue play. I’m sure you don’t expect him to master oral acrobatics, at least not right away. So start him on something easier. 


First, glide edible lube onto the palm of your hand. Have him lick numbers 1-10 onto your palm. Reapply lube, possibly in a new flavor to keep him curious and engaged, and have him lick the entire alphabet onto your palm.


If he says he’s uncomfortable with you watching him, try placing a blindfold over his eyes to give him personal privacy has he does his intimate homework. 


For Extra Credit, you can have him spell something onto your palm with his tongue. (Hint: If he spells ‘I love you’, he’s yours for life.)


3rd Semester of Sex School 

A is for Anatomy


He may have been so caught up in your first lesson that he was stroking your erogenous areas and slightly missing your clitoris.


Of course, he wants to be a good student, so he’ll appreciate this third lesson when you Show-n-Tell where your pleasure spots are located. 


Take his hand and guide him to your special spots. “Here’s my clit. This is my G-spot. And the curve of my butt and the inside crook of my arm are particularly sensitive.” 


4th Semester of Sex School 

Last chapter in his learning is penetrative sex. This is where you share that this sex session will be instructive, and you’ll be calling the shots. 


Have him practice what he’s already learned during foreplay. Then, show him how to lovely place lube onto your vulva and how you appreciate it well-lubed finger rimming your vagina to warm things up. 


Rather than have him penetrate you, I suggest you take charge and lower yourself onto his penis. Remember, you control the depth, the speed, the rhythm! Go slow, speed up. Show him the pace that turns you on the most. 


If you would prefer him not finish first, slow or stop your movements, and keep him on the edge. If you know clitoral stimulation would bring you to orgasm, show him how to rub your clit while you keep penetration-pace. 


And…. here it comes…. almost there…. and… He Graduated!!!


Sexual Satisfaction

So, how did he do? 


If your boyfriend has been a good student, your sex life is probably showing an improvement, your intimate communication is better, and you are both enjoying a healthy glow. 


Remember the saying, ‘You never stop learning’? Perhaps this is how you feel right now. Consider “graduate school” incorporating sex toys, massage candles, or restraints for your next masturbation lesson so you can cuff him to his chair as you enjoy your instructive solo session. 


Is your boyfriend bad in bed? Have one of the recommended tips or techniques worked for you and your partner? Please send me your questions and comments. I’m always here to help you. 

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Dr. Sunny Rodgers is a clinician, author, and speaker who has worked in the wellness industry since 2000. She holds a Ph.D. in Human Sexuality, a Master of Arts in Clinical Sexology, and is an accredited Sexual Health Educator. She is the Founder of The Institute of Intimate Health, an Ambassador for the American Sexual Health Association, regular lecturer for the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Sexual Confidence Coach for the Marigold App, and a professional Sex Toy Concierge™. Rodgers hosted a popular weekly show on Playboy Radio, has been an expert guest on several TV and radio programs, and is a regular contributor to HuffPost, Men's Health, Cosmo, Bustle, and many more publications.