BDSM can be fun, exciting, thrilling, and frankly tiring! When your intense scene is done, it can be tempting to pass right out or go on about your day/night. Not so fast! Aftercare is a very important part of the BDSM experience. BDSM can be intense. Add to that the fact that some folks experience “postcoital dysphoria” (which can involve irritability, anxiety, and crying) after even nonkinky sex, and it becomes clear why “aftercare” is a thing.
So, let’s talk about aftercare! What it is in general, why it is necessary, who needs it (spoiler alert: it may be more people than you think!), what specific activities it might entail, and more. Read on to learn everything you need about this very important aspect of BDSM play.
What is BDSM aftercare?
This official sounding title has been applied to the process of taking time after a BDSM scene to recover, connect, and tend to each other’s physical and emotional needs. What aftercare looks and feels like can vary person to person, relationship to relationship, or even scene to scene. Some general things it might involve include:
- Cuddling
- Touching base with how you are each feeling about the play you just engaged with
- Bringing a partner a snack.
- Helping a partner feel grounded in reality after fantasy play
- Re-assuming tender, loving relationship roles after rough play
- Helping partners detach from their scene role
- Actual physical care such as checking for bruises, cuts etc.
As you can see, aftercare encompasses various activities that run the gamut from comforting to practical. That’s why it’s essential to add aftercare to your BDSM checklist.
The Emotional Effects of BDSM
There’s a phenomenon that occurs to many after engaging in BDSM play that is referred to as “drop” (actually, the term you probably hear most often is “sub-drop” but the experience is not exclusive to subs, more on that in a minute).
Drop is something that can occur because BDSM play --especially if it’s intense-- can lead to endorphin and adrenaline spikes. When that play ends, we can experience something of a crash as those spikes wear off. What does this crash look like? Well it can differ person to person or even session to session but it can include a range of unpleasant feelings like agitation, irritability, guilt, sadness, anxiety, emptiness, worthlessness, hopelessness, helplessness, and more. Additionally it can include effects like extreme fatigue, changes in appetite, changes in sleep cycle, persistent aches and pains, headaches, digestive issues as well as depressive symptoms including loss of interest things you typically enjoy, difficulty making decisions, concentrating, or remembering things, and suicidal ideation.
These effects can show up immediately but it is also possible for them to crop up between 24 and 72 hours after. As you generally can’t predict whether drop will happen in advance, being aware of what it looks like and taking care to prevent and address it is important. This is where aftercare comes in. It is a terrific way to prevent and/or treat drop after a scene.
Drop: It’s not just for Subs
As I mentioned earlier drop is frequently referred to specifically as "sub-drop” but that does not mean that dominants don’t experience it and don’t need aftercare themselves. Aftercare can be a mutual thing where both partners enjoy a shower or bath, some relaxation, some cuddles, a massage (which a dominant partner might really need after an intense impact play scene), snacks, some water or tea, etc. Just make sure you remember to check in on your dominant partner.
Now it is true that some dominants get very into their role and might not like the idea of their submissive providing them with aftercare. This is a great example of something you want to discuss and negotiate in advance. Aftercare is like any other part of sexual play and intimacy. It requires ongoing, informed, enthusiastic consent. As much as it might look like a nice thing you are doing for your partner, remember, they need to be on board before you start administering any kind of aftercare.
BDSM and Aftercare Communication
Something that new BDSM practitioners sometimes find surprising is the sheer amount of talking and communication that is involved. but seriously, it's a lot and necessarily so. This is also true about aftercare. Why? Well, it's the best way to ensure safe, respected, and like they are getting what they actually need. As with anything else in life, you can do something that you think is helpful for someone, and it may or may not work, or you can let them tell you what will actually be helpful for them and then know that you were doing something beneficial. This is why it's good to communicate about aftercare before your session begins.
What does this look like in practice? For people who are playing together for the first time, this can be about informing your partner about what you need in terms of aftercare. So if you know that you will be thirsty after a scene, fill them in. If you know you are usually cold, they should know about that. If you know you need to be cuddled and reassured, tell them now. You get the picture. Additionally, this is a great time to let them know about any reactions you typically have that might be alarming-- let’s say, for example, you find impact play to be extremely cathartic and often cry a lot afterward, -- so they can know that this is a normal thing for you and not indicative of distress.
On the other hand, if you are playing with somebody you have played with regularly, it's always a good idea to check in and make sure nothing has changed, and you are still giving each other what you need. Also, as we all are constantly growing, changing, and evolving, treating this kind of communication as an ongoing process is smart because our boundaries, limitless, and needs might shift over time. Talking about them regularly will keep everyone on the same page. This type of open communication will allow you to refine and build on your scenes and aftercare over time, ensuring the best experience possible.
Examples of Aftercare
Now that we know what aftercare is and why it is important, let’s talk a little about what it can look like specifically. Now, allow me to say that, as far as I’m concerned;, aftercare can be whatever you need it to be, so don’t ever let anyone shame you about your needs not fitting what they think aftercare should look like (Although , you are not allowed to use your aftercare needs to pressure people to do things they don't want to do. Basically, everyone be cool.) That said, here are some aftercare suggestions ranging from the practical to the comforting, to the impact-play specific (because that can come with its own needs):
Practical:
- Remove ropes, restraints, blindfolds, or any other BDSM toy
- Get them to a warm, comfortable place
- Wrap them in a robe or blanket.
- Provide water, snacks, juice, or sports drinks like Gatorade
Impact play specific:
- Check them for injuries or wounds
- Clean, disinfect, and bandage any injuries
- Apply lotions, cooling creams, or any other topical you/they know makes them feel
- Provide things like anti-inflammatories (NSAIDs) and painkillers
Comforting:
- Hug and/or cuddle them
- Speak softly and gently
- Offer reassurance (they may feel out of sorts about their desires, your relationship, or just in general)
- Offer praise
- Make sure participants are serene and positive
- Prepare a warm bath
- Provide their favorite comfortable clothing
- Schedule a time to talk in the upcoming days so you can check in
Additionally, some folks might have aftercare needs that come down to wanting a bit of space. They may want to take some time to journal, meditate, or even just watch a favorite movie or television show, and those things won’t necessarily involve their partner. That’s okay. Everyone’s needs are different and each scene is different.
In Closing
Aftercare isn’t an optional add-on to the main event of BDSM play, it’s a necessary component for healthy BDSM interactions that leave everyone feeling safe and respected, as well as satisfied. Like all BDSM practices, it can be unique to each person and can change depending on the day or the scene. This is why it is vital to establish and maintain open communication and respect for each others’ boundaries and limitations. Cultivating a robust aftercare practice can make your BDSM play more satisfying for everyone.
There is always more to learn so if you want to know more about BDSM and aftercare, check out more resources.
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