So, what, exactly, is BDSM? Yes, we’re going to go there – so hang on for the ride! Maybe you or your partner brought the topic up, perhaps one of you heard about it on a favorite podcast, or maybe you are just looking for something new and hot in the bedroom. However you ended up here, we want to make sure that you have all the information you need to decide whether consensual BDSM is right for you and your partner. Whatever you decide, it’s best to make sure that you both are on the same page in every way.
Nothing is worse than trying out a little role play or donning something new in your sexual adventures and having the other person either get freaked out by the use of BDSM toys or think the whole experience is just weird. It might be fun to surprise your lover in some ways, but this is NOT one of those ways! BDSM should be fully consensual, and everyone should clearly define their expectations and limits.
Now, with that crucial caveat out of the way, let’s dive into the meaning of BDSM.
What Does BDSM Mean?
BDSM is an acronym that contains multiple two-word combinations. BD is for bondage and discipline. That same D is then used for DS, which stands for dominance and submission. Then, the S is involved in SM, which means sadism and masochism. As a whole, they describe different aspects of splitting the roles and responsibilities of sexual activity between each partner.
When learning how to experiment with BDSM, it’s important to note that often people refer to a sexual encounter that makes use of BDSM as a ‘scene’. Meaning that, before the scene, no one is in character, and you’re both free to behave normally. After the scene is over, you both can relax and take care of each other as you see fit. If you have been playing with discipline or sadism/masochism, you may need to take this time to run your partner a nice warm bath or get them an ice pack, so they don’t have any conspicuous bruises the next day. Yes, we said it! Sometimes, BDSM play can get a little rough and rowdy!
Bondage and Discipline
Many people who don’t practice any other aspects of BDSM enjoy different types of bondage and discipline. Some people like wearing a blindfold while their partner takes them from behind or having their hands tied above their head so they can’t squirm away when their partner is trying to coax yet another orgasm out of them.
However, there are also much more extreme versions. A little light spanking is a long way from a full-body harness or the kind of degradation and humiliation some people love. This might include calling your partner rude names, insulting them, pretending they aren’t there, using them as a sex toy, denying them their release, or tying them up and bringing them to the edge again and again. Speaking of adult sex toys, there are plenty for both of you to enjoy when it comes to bondage. A bondage kit is a great way to experiment with different BDSM sex toys, positions, and techniques.
Whenever you tie someone up, the main thing to remember is that, even if your sexual partner enjoys a little bit of pain, you should always play safe. If ropes or cuffs are involved, they should never be too tight. Intense chafing and cut-off circulation is not sexy! A little bit of chafing isn’t a huge concern (your or your partner might even be into it), but lack of circulation is a big deal, and should be properly communicated and avoided in any sexual practice.
Dominance and Submission
Dominance and submission refer to the power dynamics in your sexual adventures. One person is the dominant party, and the other is the submissive partner. We will jump into more about each role below, but this type of BDSM practice refers to one person exerting power over the other in a sexual encounter. The most important part of this kind of role play is to establish expectations. As stated above, there shouldn’t be any surprises.
Just because one person plays the dominant role, and the other plays the submissive role in one BDSM scenario, it doesn’t always have to be that way. Plenty of couples enjoy switching up the Dom/Sub responsibilities depending on the general mood. Others have specific roles that they prefer. As long as everyone is clear on their part, you shouldn’t have any trouble playing with power dynamics.
What Does Being Dominant Mean?
As the Dom or dominant partner, you are responsible for taking control of the situation or scene. Nothing happens without your say-so. This might automatically seem like a better position, but the truth is that different aspects are appealing for both. For the Dom, you also have to be entirely responsible for your partner.
If you have engaged in a particularly intense scene, that means you have to perform proper aftercare once the scene has ended. You also need to be on the lookout for any possible safety precautions and issues that may arise during the scene. If your partner is tied up or blindfolded, they literally can’t watch out for problems, so that responsibility rests solely on your shoulders.
This can involve a wide range of tasks and activities, some of which may not even be sexual. For example, as the Dom, you might tell your Sub that they should cook you dinner and set the table. Those tasks draw out the scene and heighten their arousal as you finally sit down and inspect the meal. Maybe you follow up with an order to use their mouth on you under the table while you eat, or perhaps you just make them wait even longer; it’s up to you. You control all aspects of pleasure in this erotic practice.
What Does Being Submissive Mean?
As the Sub or submissive partner, you are responsible for bending yourself mentally and physically to your Dom’s will. Whenever they ask you to do something, you say something like “Yes Sir”, “Yes Ma’am”, “Yes Master” or whatever you have agreed on before performing the task. Depending on the scene and your location, those tasks might be anything from getting on your hands and knees to serve as a footrest or pleasuring yourself on a dildo while your Dom watches.
It may require some experimenting as you learn how to be submissive to a dominant partner. Some Subs enjoy being tied up or physically manhandled by their Doms. These also fall into the sadism/masochism and bondage/discipline categories listed within BDSM. After a difficult scene, your Dom should take steps to properly take care of you and ensure that you didn’t sustain any significant injuries.
Sadism and Masochism
You may or may not have heard of the Marquis de Sade, but he gave his name to the word sadism. Sadism refers to taking sexual pleasure from hurting other people. Masochism, on the other hand, refers to taking sexual pleasure from being hurt by another person. This can get very tricky for many couples. After all, you care about your partner, so why would you want to hurt them?
However, it is better to think about it in smaller terms. Giving your partner a light smack on the booty in the heat of the moment is fun for you and your partner, right? Some people just like to step their game up with sadism and masochism. Like any part of BDSM, there is a big difference between being hard-core and the milder end of the spectrum. Again, you must actively communicate your limits with your partner before beginning to ensure everyone stays safe and sexually satisfied.
The Relationship with Safe Words and Consent
Hang on to that safe word! A safe word is a phrase that can be used at any time during a BDSM scene that automatically signals the partner to stop what they are doing and check-in with you. You want to both agree on the phrase beforehand, so there is no confusion in the heat of the moment. A good partner will frequently check in on you anyway, but if something suddenly hurts or the scene goes in a direction that makes you uncomfortable, a safe word is a quick way to put a stop to things.
You might be wondering why a simple “no” or “stop” doesn’t work. The reason is that, for many couples, a significant aspect of BDSM is going beyond someone’s comfort zone. If you are role-playing a scene where one of the characters is hesitant about having sex, the character may want to say no without alarming your partner and breaking the mood. People often choose a phrase or word that you would never have any reason to say during sex, like “watermelon” or “staircase.”
Traffic Light Safe Words
Some people like to use what is known as the color system. When your partner checks in with you, they ask for your color. You would say green for go, yellow for wait, and red for stop, just like traffic lights. It is an easy system to remember and also gives you an in-between option if you wish to take a minute to breathe without ending the scene entirely.
Hand Signals or Specific Sounds
If you are gagged or otherwise unable to talk, come up with a hand signal that you both will recognize or a sound that you can still make. However you decide to do it, you and your partner should never engage in a scene unless you have both agreed on a way for each partner to stop everything from happening, regardless of the roles you are playing.
Remember, informed consent is essential, and you can withdraw your consent at any time, for any reason. If you do, your partner needs to stop immediately and check in with you to see what the problem is and how to avoid it in the future. You need to make sure that you both trust each other enough to know when to stop and what you can handle in such a vulnerable position.
In Summary
BDSM is a great way for many couples to spice things up in the bedroom in a real way! Although this erotic practice may not be for everyone, most people enjoy a little bit of light spanking or blindfolding for a special occasion. Even if you don’t decide to immerse yourselves fully in the BDSM scene, knowing a bit about it can provide you with some fun, erotic ideas for your next date night. And if you both want to delve in, this is only the beginning of all the fun to come! So, grab a bondage whip and hang on for the most arousing ride of your life!
