When it comes to sex, there’s no limit to the different things people are into. These days, more than ever before, people are exploring things that were once deemed taboo. Bondage is one of those things. Whether you’re choosing to be restrained or you want to be the one doing the restraining, bondage can be hot, sexy, and downright satisfying. That said, it can also put participants in a very vulnerable position. Plus, there’s some potential for injury if you don’t know what you’re doing. That’s why today we are going to talk all about bondage.
We’ll talk about what exactly bondage is, what misconceptions some folks harbor about it, how to introduce the idea to partners, things you can do to ensure a safe and satisfying bondage experience (maybe even some rope bondage), and some fun bondage positions for beginners and more advanced participants. So strap yourselves in, because it’s time to talk bondage!
What is bondage?
Bondage is an activity that falls under the umbrella of BDSM-- in fact, it’s what puts the B in BDSM. Okay, so what’s BDSM? BDSM is a blanket term for a wide variety of erotic practices and kinks revolving around power dynamics between consenting sexual partners. The term BDSM is a combination of acronyms that stand for three similar but distinct communities that use power imbalance for sexual pleasure: bondage and discipline (B/D), domination and submission (D/s), and sadism and masochism (S/M).
In general, BDSM involves one partner acting in the dominant role (or “dom”), while the other embodies the submissive role (or “sub”) as they both act out consensual fantasies. Both partners receive sexual pleasure and satisfaction from performing their role (whether dominant or submissive) during the sexual encounter.
Bondage specifically involves one partner being restrained -- with ropes, belts, cuffs, etc -- by the other. Typically the dominant partner would be doing the restraining but that can vary too, as it wouldn’t be unheard of for a dominant to order their submissive to restrain them. Bondage can be quite simple, like slapping on some handcuffs or very complex with intricate rope setups and even specialized equipment.
Misconceptions About Bondage
BDSM in general and bondage specifically are seen as “kinky”, a term that is applied to any sexual activity seen as unconventional. With that in mind, we can see why folks might be hesitant to explore bondage. It can be scary to color outside the lines, as it were. Something that doesn’t help this fear at all are the misconceptions about bondage-- and there are several! So let’s take a minute to challenge the misconceptions and set the record straight.
There’s a Bondage “Type”
People who are into bondage wear leather and collars and hang out in dungeons where they tie each other to big scary pieces of equipment, right? Not necessarily/at all. Some folks are hesitant to try things like bondage because they have a picture in their head of the people who do it, and that picture is definitely not them. Here’s the thing, bondage is enjoyed by people of all ages, races, genders, and orientations. So, yeah, that big dude wearing a leather or rope harness in a dungeon might be into rope bondage, but so might the lady wearing yoga pants and a ponytail in line at the grocery store.
Bodage = Abuse
In mainstream media, bondage often gets conflated with abuse and violence. Add in some extremely popular media depictions of controlling and abusive relationships that also happened to contain bondage, and the whole thing gets worse. Abuse is wrong, and we would never encourage you to engage in abusive activities. With that in mind, bondage is not synonymous with abuse.
Bondage should only ever take place between enthusiastic, trusting partners who feel safe to stop what is happening at any moment. If any of those elements are missing (and we’ll talk more about how to ensure they are all there), you might be venturing into abusive territory.
Bondage Requires Special Equipment
If you’ve seen depictions of bondage in the media, they may have involved leather-clad dommes with a fully stocked tool box and racks full of specialized gea. Sure, there is tons of bondage equipment out there that can make bondage play a whole lot of fun. But you can also have a great time without buying anything at all.
You can definitely give bondage a try without taking a shopping trip first. Get started by repurposing things you have around your house like scarves, ties, pillowcases, or belts for use as blindfolds and restraints. If that goes well, sure, you might want to look into some bondage gear, but when you are just starting out, you really just need an enthusiastic partner and a little imagination!
Now that we know that bondage is popular among people of all ages, genders, and orientations, that it is not synonymous with abuse, and that you don’t have to invest in a ton of pricey gear to incorporate it into your sex life, let’s talk about how to approach the topic of bondage with your partner(s), and how you can safely bring bondage into your bedroom.
Introducing Bondage
If bondage is something you and your partner have never tried and you’re curious, you might be a bit concerned about how to even bring it up. First things first, I recommend doing a little homework. There are tons of books and podcasts, and articles (like this one!) that you can use to learn a bit about how bondage works and what you might be interested in so when you bring it up to your partner, you can present them with a full picture of what you have in mind.
If they are into it (and they may not be, which is totally okay and needs to be respected), you can talk a bit about what you both want and what boundaries you might have (we’ll get into that a bit more in the next section). Then, start simple. If you jump right to an elaborate bondage scene with a St. Andrew’s Cross, odds are at least one of you will be freaked out and also, the experience will be generally less than ideal. Start with some simple ties with something you have on hand. Then, afterward talk about how you both felt about the experience, what you liked and didn’t like, whether you would want to try it again, and what other stuff you are curious about.
Introducing the idea of bondage to a partner for the first time might be daunting, but if you approach it kindly and with a collaborative spirit (remember, teamwork makes the dreamwork!), it can be a fun conversation that, regardless of the results, brings you and your partner closer together.
Tips for bondage
Bondage can be fun, cathartic, and intense. It can also be tender and vulnerable. It can even be something that forges closer bonds between partners. Basically, bondage can be a lot of things. But the thing it should be above all else is safe. Let’s talk a bit about how to make sure your bondage play keeps everyone involved safe and ensures that a good time is had by all. Here are some tips.
Know the Risks
Look, I don’t want to be a downer, but like many BDSM activities (and frankly, many activities in general) bondage can come with some risks, and it’s important to know that. Among BDSM practitioners, there are two popular ways to approach those risks. Some folks subscribe to the “risk-aware consensual kink” (RACK) school of thought, while others go for the “safe, sane, and consensual” model (SSC). With RACK, the word “safe” isn’t used because many BDSM activities carry inherent risks and RACK believers promote the idea that each practitioner needs to determine their own tolerance for that risk. On the other hand, folks who follow the SSC school of thought argue that safety is achieved by only engaging in activities that you (and you partner) have deemed “safe” beforehand. Whatever school of thought works for you, the upshot here is that it’s important to know there are risks and to choose what you engage in and how you engage it accordingly.
With bondage specifically, it is important to learn what precautions you need to take to avoid possible complications like cutting off circulation or causing nerve damage.
Enthusiastic Ongoing Consent
As with any sexual activity, consent is an absolute must, and it must be informed, enthusiastic, and ongoing. That means no hounding your partner about something you want to try until they give in, and no assuming that someone consenting to sex with you has consented to anything and everything. Talk to your partners! Be open about things you want to try out, and check back in throughout any encounter to be sure everyone is still enjoying themselves. Communication is always important in healthy sexual relationships, but when you explore bondage, it becomes absolutely vital.
Hard Limits
Okay, so we know it’s important to communicate openly about the things you do want to happen but make sure you remember that it is equally important to know and beagle to communicate what you absolutely DO NOT want. Everyone has different boundaries and different ideas of what specific activities will look like so if you know there are things you never want to explore that is not only okay but it’s also 100% normal. Make sure you know your hard limits and discuss them with partners before playtime.
Safe Words
When you are dealing with restraints there might be moments in the scene when you want to say “no” or “stop” but you don’t actually want the play or the BDSM games to stop. This is what makes a safe word so important. A safeword is an agreed upon word or phrase that brings whatever is happening to a halt; it makes sure you can say no as part of your fantasy, while still being able to clearly communicate to your partner if or when you want things to stop. Some folks make sure their safe word is something they would normally never say in a sexy context like “kumquat,” while others use traffic light language: red for “stop,” yellow for “slow down/proceed with caution,” and green for “keep going.” Make sure you and your partner know what safe words you will be using before any sexy play gets going.
Don’t Skip the Aftercare
Bondage can get intense. Heck, even without bondage, a lot of folks experience “postcoital dysphoria” involving irritability, anxiety, and crying after any kind of sexual activity. This is why “aftercare” is a thing. What is aftercare? Simply put, it’s taking time after your playtime has ended to recover, connect, and tend to each other’s physical and emotional needs. It might be cuddling and talking or bringing your partner a snack. Aftercare also often involves touching base with how you are each feeling about the BDSM play you just engaged with.
So, as tempting as it may be to just pass out after an intense experience, it is definitely worthwhile to take the time to check in with each other and make sure everyone is feeling good. Creating a BDSM checklist can help you iron out those kinks before starting.
Bondage positions for beginners
When you are first starting out with anything, it can be daunting, so don’t feel weird if you are nervous about exploring bondage. I’ve put together this list of beginner-friendly bondage sex positions that don’t require much beyond a rope (or cuffs or silk scarves or whatever you want to use) to get started. I’ve listed the easiest two (Spread Eagle and The Chair) first, as they don’t require flexibility and allow the restrained partner to stay in a comfortable and familiar sex position. The other two will give you a taste of the variety that more advanced positions might provide.
Spread Eagle
This is a fabulous beginner sex position because it delivers that “all tied up” experience while remaining comfortable and fairly simple. The person being tied doesn’t need to be super flexible, and the person doing the tying can keep it pretty simple.
How to do it:
The partner who will be restrained lies on their back with their arms and legs extended so their body forms a big X. From here their partner can tie each wrist and ankle to the nearest bedpost to hold their partner spread eagle on the bed. For beds without posts, an under bed restraint system makes this position a breeze.
The Chair
If you’ve ever seen a movie where someone is held captive, odds are you’ve already seen this position. First off, as you’ve probably guessed, you will need a chair. The ideal chair for this position has straight legs and armrests that can be tied to. Much like the Spread Eagle, this position is extremely beginner friendly as it doesn’t require the bottom to hold a complicated position and it doesn’t require the top to have fancy bondage rope-tying skills.
How to do it:
The partner being restrained sits in the chair while the partner doing the restraining ties their ankles to the chair legs and then ties their arms to the top of the armrests. If you are using a chair that does not have armrests you can try a variation where the wrists are gently secured behind their back.
The Crab
This position makes for some fun oral sex adventures with the dominant partner able to administer cunnilingus or fellatio while the bound partner is seated or to roll the bound partner onto their back for some easy access analingus or a fun variation on 69.
How to do it:
The partner who will be restrained sits on the bed with their knees raised to their chest. From here, their forearms are tied to their calves. They can remain sitting up or roll onto their back, where the restraints will help keep their legs spread wide.
Open Wide
This position holds the bound partner, well, wide open. It does require a certain degree of flexibility but is a fun one for beginners to play with as it gives total access to the restrained partner’s body while also holding them pretty firmly in place.
How to do it:
Start with the partner who will be restrained either sitting up or lying on their back (that second one allows gravity to help hold everything in place while you are getting them set up. From here the arms are raised into either a W position with the elbows bent and hands in line with the sides of the head or with the arms a bit more extended and the hands above the top of the head. Then each ankle is secured with ankle cuffs or ankle restraints attached to the wrist on the same side of the body. If you really want to ensure that their legs stay far apart you can employ something like a spreader bar but that is totally optional.
Note: In this position, as in any position with the arms raised over the head, you want to proceed with an abundance of caution. Having one’s arms raised over the head for a prolonged period can cause circulation problems and even loss of consciousness. To stay safe you want to limit this position to 20 minutes and use padded cuffs that will not apply too much pressure.
Advanced bondage positions
Okay, so once you’ve mastered the positions and know the ropes (sorry, I couldn’t resist), you might feel like you want to try your hand at some more advanced bondage positions. I’ve gathered up a couple that are not only fun but that builds on some of the stuff you experienced with the beginner positions. Remember, all of the safety tips we have discussed so far still apply even when you have a little experience so keep those in mind.
Hog Tie
This position might be familiar as it is often depicted in films and television. Be aware that the Hogtie bondage position is a demanding one for the partner being restrained. It can stretch the limbs in a way that is very uncomfortable for the uninitiated. Also, partners who are doing the tying want to take care as doing it forcefully can damage tendons and ligaments.
How to do it:
The partner who is being tied up lays on their stomach while the partner who is doing the tying binds their wrists and ankles in a manner that is firm but comfortable. From here, the wrists and ankles are brought toward each other and bound together. This can be done with ropes or there are Hog Tie specific bondage devices that make the whole thing quite simple.
If that all sounds a bit daunting, you can start with a looser variation where the arms are closer to the sides, and the body is not pulled as far backward. There is even a version of this position where, instead of the back being arched, the partner being tied bends forward at the waist ans the wrists and ankles are secured in front of the body.
Bottom’s Up
If you like both bondage and doggy style sex, this one’s for you! It’s your basic doggy style position with a fun bondage twist.
How to do it:
The partner who is being bound starts on their knees with their chest resting down on the bed or floor. From there, the arms either pass through the legs or lay alongside the outside of the legs (this depends on flexibility and comfort) and the wrists are bound to the ankles. While the receiving partner is being held into position, they can still adjust by raising the butt higher, dropping the chest lower, or even laying the upper body over some supportive pillows or cushions.
Frogger
While this position is all about the legs, you can add on to it with some restraining of the arms allowing you to raise the intensity.
How to do it:
Frogger or the frog tie starts with the receiving partner kneeling with their butt resting down on the calves/feet. From there the ankles are bound to the thighs in a comfortably tight manner.
When tied in the Frogger position, genitals are easily accessed. Additionally, the receiving partner can be moved into different positions, including on their back or any variation where they can rest on their knees, hands, or elbows.
Boxed Up
This one is perfect for incorporating into any BDSM scene and can be done at a variety of difficulty levels, from super simple to totally intricate.
How to do it:
So, basically, this position involves the arms being bound together behind the back, with the elbows bent at a 90-degree angle. It can be done by simply cuffing their wrist together or you can play with your rope work skills.
If you are looking for another variation the rope can be looped around the shoulders as well for some extra control or, if you want to go all out, you can combine this position with a leg bondage position like Frogger.
Spread ‘Em
Okay, so this one is not for the faint of heart. It requires some flexibility and some balance. I actually advise trying it near the corner of the room with some cushions around first so the receiving partner has two walls they can lean into and a soft place to land if the balance gets tricky. All that said, done correctly, this position can look sexy as all hell and has the potential for some seriously steamy experimenting.
How to do it:
The partner who is being restrained comes into a standing forward bend and the wrists are bound to the ankles. A spreader bar may be used to keep the legs wide apart. As I mentioned, this can be a tough one to hold so make sure there is support and cushioning around. Additionally, as the restrained partner’s head will be hanging down, limit the time in this position and be careful taking them out of it as standing too quickly could result in light-headedness.
As you can see, if you decide to explore bondage, you have so many options ranging from low-pressure beginner picks to elaborate, more advanced choices. Remember that safety is at all times paramount. Bondage has the potential to deliver intense pleasure, but if you do not approach it safely it can also lead to pain and discomfort.
- Consent, always. All participants must agree together on anything they want to try and continually check in to ensure each other’s comfort. Never pressure partners to do something they aren’t comfortable with because you think you will really enjoy it. That is a recipe for unsafe bondage that is not enjoyed by all.
- Make sure you discuss everything in advance. Know your (and your partner’s) boundaries, limitations, and rules before engaging in any bondage.
- Have a safe word and/or safe gesture, keep safety shears nearby in case you need to cut the ropes, and always incorporate aftercare.
Bondage can be fun and exciting and it can also be frightening and risky. Communicating openly and keeping safety procedures in mind can cut down on some of that fear and risk. Pick the positions that sound good to everyone involved and take your time to approach them correctly. Have fun experimenting but always be sure to keep yourselves and each other safe.
If you are ready to explore bondage, check out PinkCherry’s selection of adult sex toys, cuffs, ropes, and even bondage clothing for everything you need to make your bondage fantasies come to life.
