Are you curious about BDSM and want to explore your dominant side? Great! That can be a lot of fun. Especially as, in dominatrix role play, we often talk about dominating a submissive male-identifying partner which, in today’s world, can sound incredibly gratifying in a “how the heck is there still a wage gap in this day and age?!”/ “are we really still teaching our daughters to carry their keys laced between their fingers like Wolverine to ward off male attackers?”/ “people who aren’t dudes are STILL less likely to get adequate medical attention” kind of way. Also, though, it’s important that you know where to start. BDSM and domination/submission play may look like it’s all about fun and games where you get to call the shots and your partner has to do what you say, but there’s a lot involved to keep you both safe and satisfied.
There are things to understand, conversations to have, and rules that everyone, even you, the one who wants to be “in charge” (we’ll talk about that in a minute), needs to abide by. There’s also a whole heck of a lot of misinformation out there. Between folks who use the guise of BDSM to mistreat their partners, well-meaning folks who don’t take the time to learn, and the influence of a wildly popular series of books and films, the title of which features both a number and a color, a lot of folks are not clear on what a dominatrix should and should not do. That’s why today we are talking about how to be a dominatrix.
We’ll talk about what a dominatrix is, what a good one does, and even the qualities a good one possesses. You’ll walk away from this post ready to (safely) dominate at being dominant. So, if you want to be a badass dominatrix, keep reading!
What is a dominatrix?
As with anything, we must start this conversation with a solid understanding of exactly what we’re talking about. So, what exactly is a dominatrix? You probably have an image in your head. You might be thinking, “I know this one. I wear a corset, carry a whip, yell. A dominatrix. Nailed it.” And, sure, that is one way a dominatrix can look but, generally speaking, a dominatrix -- you may also see this term abbreviated as dom or domme -- is someone who identifies as a woman or as a non-binary or genderqueer person and who, in the context of BDSM, dominates their submissive partner -- you may see that term abbreviated as submissive or sub.
There are multiple ways this can play out; some dominance/submission (aka d/s) play is psychological, and some are physical. Some partners adopt the dynamic into their personal life, with the dominant calling the shots all day, every day. What we are talking about right now, however, is being a dominatrix in the context of BDSM (bondage, domination, sadism, and masochism) play, where you and an enthusiastic partner can explore fetishes and kinks with clear communication, careful negotiation, and ongoing consent before during and after all power exchange activities, whether sexual or not.
Is it the same as a femdom?
So… sort of, but not quite? The term femdom is actually an abbreviation for “female domination,” and it's an umbrella term that generally refers to any type of erotically charged play in which a woman has power over a male partner. This can include cuckolding, humiliation play, financial domination, and more, including the model of dominatrix and submissive that we are focusing on today.
The term is also used as a noun to refer to one who engages in those activities, and in that context, it is often used interchangeably with terms like dominatrix. So, is a woman who is a dominatrix a femdom? Yes. Are all femdoms dominatrixes? No. Are all dominatrixes women/female? No. Frankly, all femdoms are not necessarily female. This, like most things gender-related, doesn't really have a one-size-fits-all blanket answer. Listen to and respect the language people use in relation to themselves and if you aren’t sure what language to use, respectfully check in.
How to be a good dominatrix
Being a dominatrix is about a whole lot more than wielding a whip and barking some commands. Both the dominant and submissive partners need to feel safe in the BDSM relationship, have a clear understanding of what the boundaries are, and come away from the experience feeling satisfied. Let’s talk about some of the steps you want to take to set you and your submissive up for BDSM success.
1. Navigate consent & have a system in place to stay safe
As with any sex-related play, consent is of the utmost importance. A great way to navigate that is to start with a written document that covers what both partners are interested in trying, as well as the boundaries and limits each partner has. Creating these documents together is a great way to get the conversation going and to know where each of you stands on each activity.
This is also a good time to establish your safeword. As being able to cry out “no!” while having the session continue may be part of the BDSM fantasy, it’s important to establish an agreed upon word or phrase that stops the action, that is a safeword. Some folks make sure their safe word is something they would normally never say in a sexy context like “Charlemagne,” while others use traffic light language: red for “stop,” yellow for “slow down/proceed with caution,” and green for “keep going.”
2. Find out what makes you feel powerful
Being a dominatrix is a power position and it works best if you feel powerful. So what makes you feel powerful? For some it’s dressing up in anything from a corset to a business suit, while for others it’s rocking a badass playlist or adopting a dominatrix title like Mistress or Goddess. Whatever makes you feel powerful, rock it.
3. Use sex toys to spice up the bedroom
If ever there was a time to explore new fun toys, this is it! BDSM play offers the opportunity to explore several different things including impact play with different types of sex toys like paddles or crops, restraint with cuffs, scarfs, or ropes, and more. If these props are new to you, consider starting with gentler options like scarves, blindfolds, and gentle spanking. You might even consider checking out bondage kits with multiple toy options to let you get a taste of a couple of different things and if you are unsure, look into taking a class with your partner on how to safely use BDSM implements.
4. Remember Aftercare
Simply put, it’s taking time after sexual play, BDSM in particular, to recover, connect, and tend to each other’s physical and emotional needs. It might be cuddling and talking or bringing your partner a snack. Aftercare also often involves touching base with how you are each feeling about the play you just engaged with.
Qualities of a good dominatrix
We know what a dominatrix does but what are some things a dominatrix is? So glad you asked! A good dominatrix:
Is Confident
A key to any kind of role play, including domination, is really owning it so be confident!
Is Trustworthy
This one is important because this type of play calls upon a submissive to give up control, it's important that a dominant is someone a submissive can trust to do that with.
Is Flexible
A vital part of providing the safe space necessary for power exchange play is the ability and willingness to adapt in response to a submissive’s boundaries or needs.
Is Selfless
It’s never cool to be selfish with sex and being “in charge” doesn’t change that. A good dominatrix knows that it’s not getting what they want. BDSM, like all sex play, is collaborative.
Knows Who is in Charge
The M. Night Shyamalanian twist of BDSM is that, contrary to how it appears, the dominant partner does not actually have all the power. A lot of the experience is actually dictated by the submissive partner’s willingness to give control over to the dominant partner. Without that, nothing else can happen.
This quality is what all the qualities listed above come together to create! A confident, trustworthy, flexible, selfless dominatrix prioritizes consent, safety, and comfort and their submissive partner knows that they are valued and their needs are not only taken into account but seen as of the utmost importance. That all creates the necessary circumstances for healthy, satisfying power exchange play.
Being a dominatrix requires some effort but if you do it right, you and your partner will reap the rewards.
Ready to explore? PinkCherry is here to help! With a huge selection of sex toys, bondage clothing, bondage toys, and more we’ve got everything you need to start your BDSM exploration off right!
