If you and your partner have been wondering “what is BDSM?” and “how can we get into BDSM?”, then look no further because we have the scoop for you! We’ll dive into the basics here about safety, understanding your role, setting boundaries, safe words, and the importance of communication in a BDSM relationship. You and your partner have a real treat in store with some of the sexy fun that BDSM play can offer, but nothing is more important than staying safe and keeping everyone comfortable.
So, remember, if you are ever involved in BDSM, and you want to stop what you both are doing, for any reason, do it. If you need to step away from things to recenter yourself or just to alleviate a position or sex toy that is causing you pain, do not hesitate. Your comfort is the #1 priority always! But most importantly, don’t ever engage in BDSM with a partner you don’t fully trust to stop when you need them to. Trust is truly the key with BDSM.
How to Get Started With BDSM
You can consider this your beginner’s guide to BDSM. We can’t wait for you to get started having some not-so-wholesome fun with your partner, but there are a few crucial things that you both need to know first. You may be eager to get hot and heavy with your sexy play partner and move on to experimenting with all of your new BDSM toys, but don’t dive in just yet!
As a quick note, people who often practice BDSM refer to sexual encounters as scenes. This guide will be using that and other terminology that is unique to BDSM, but that one is critical to know.
Understanding Your Role
BDSM actually covers a wide range of topics. If someone says they want to get into BDSM, you will want to get some clarification first on what parts of it they are referring to. We cover communication and setting boundaries more in the sections below, but before anything happens, you need to make sure that you and your partner are firmly on the same page.
So, let’s start with what is it that you both are interested in. Bondage, discipline, dominance, submission, sadism, and masochism all fall under the acronym, so you must begin by establishing what areas you will be exploring. Your partner might like the idea of getting spanked, but the idea of using something that isn’t your hand to do the spanking might be one step too far. Thus, honest communication is key!
Bondage
Bondage usually refers to tying your partner down somehow but can also mean blindfolding, using a cock ring, earplugs, or other types of sensory deprivation. There are many different types of bondage and the safety precautions look different for each in order to keep everyone happy and satisfied throughout the BDSM scene. A BDSM kit is a great way to experiment with different bondage sex toys, positions, and techniques.
Discipline
Discipline typically means laying out a scenario in which there are specific rules that your partner needs to follow, and they either disobey on purpose or accidentally. You then either gently or harshly discipline them as you see fit for the offense. Discipline can involve corporal punishment, denying your partner release, forbidding them to touch themselves or you, ignoring them for a short period, assigning them a task they dislike, increasing the difficulty of their current job, or degrading them verbally. There are many levels to the discipline element of BDSM.
Dominance and Submission
Dominance and submission refer to a particular dynamic within the bedroom. While it doesn’t require any specific kind of equipment to be useful, there needs to be a high comfort level with your partner and confidence. Trust is essential in all parts of BDSM play, but dominance and submission mean trusting your partner to alert you if they want to stop or slow down. Whether you’re learning how to be submissive to a dominant, or vice versa, be sure to communicate.
In return, they are trusting you to play your role ultimately and lose yourself in it. Sometimes, it is tempting to burst out laughing at your partner’s antics, but that can really damage their self-confidence and ruin the mood. Therefore, it’s important to be the character you are portraying entirely, and you both will reach new heights of bliss and sexual arousal.
Sadism and Masochism
This may be the trickiest part of BDSM to do safely since the whole point of masochism is that a person enjoys being hurt. However, that doesn’t mean that you can’t still be safe. It just means that you and your partner need to decide what “safe” means to you and how to treat any possible injuries that may arise, whether intentionally or not.
If you want to experiment with sensation play, try using various sensations that don’t cause physical pain first. For example, an ice cube will undoubtedly be uncomfortable and possibly a little painful if applied to a heated, sensitive area like the nipples or groin, but it isn’t capable of causing any real damage to your partner.
4 Tips on How to Do BDSM Safely with Pleasure
The range of possibilities within BDSM is nearly endless, and it is up to you and your partner what you are ready and willing to try. Instead of focusing on specific positions, adult sex toys, or techniques, these tips are broad enough to apply to all types of BDSM. Regardless of what you and your partner are into, these tips are crucial to explore and establish before anyone gets caught up in the heat of the moment.
Set Boundaries
Nothing is more important than knowing what everyone’s expectations are beforehand. As we said above, the choices are infinite, but just because you decide to try a BDSM activity doesn’t mean you have to try every last aspect covered by this broad, sensual umbrella. There are plenty of ways to figure out what you like. Brainstorm fantasies with your partner, watch porn, or, if you want something more clinical but less obvious, there is a list of most popular kinks and fetishes that you can simply go through and check off the ones you are comfortable with trying.
After both partners fill out the list, you can compare them to see what overlaps. If some practices that you were excited about don’t coincide with your partner, don’t despair! You might be able to find a compromise, work up to it, discover another similar kink, or do it when you are ready for a little me time.
Use Safe Words
Like we said, safety is key! Another part of setting boundaries is establishing a phrase or word that is known as your safe word. Your safe word is a phrase that can be used at any time during a scene that automatically signals your play partner to stop what they are doing and check-in with you. You should choose a word or phrase that you would never usually say during a scene to avoid confusion. These are often words like “strawberry” or “seesaw.”
If you won’t be able to speak for whatever reason, come up with a hand signal or a rhythm of noises that you will be capable of making. You can also rely on the age-old standby of the traffic light or color system; so named because green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. Whatever you choose, make sure that your partner fully understands and that your signal will be something that they will undoubtedly notice if things get a little rough and rowdy.
Communication Is Key
Just as we talked about setting hard limits and committing to safe words, constant communication is essential for a successful BDSM scene. Just waiting for your partner to use their safe word is no way to treat your lover. You also want to pay attention to additional verbal and physical cues. Even if they aren’t telling you to stop, you can probably tell by their facial expressions or tone of voice whether what you are doing is bringing them unwavering pleasure or unbearable pain. While your actions may not hurt, they may not be any fun either. So, pay attention.
The primary basis for BDSM is making your fantasy a reality. Fantasies are primarily in your head, and many people make the mistake of buying lots of fancy toys for the bedroom and actually forget the fantasy part. You and your partner are acting out roles, using your bodies and words to tell an ongoing story. You should continuously be part of that narrative as a way of keeping your partner engaged and checking in on their happiness.
Safety First
If you decide to take things further than words and bodies, you need to keep certain things in mind, depending on what kind of sex toys you use. For example, if you are using a gag, you will want to make sure that your partner can breathe when their breaths start to come faster as they get closer to the edge. Similarly, if you are tying your partner down using rope bondage, you want to ensure that the ropes are soft enough not to chafe their wrists, or it could cause some severe discomfort and bruising.
Another thing to consider with bondage is leaving enough room in the knots to keep your partner’s circulation going strong. They might not notice at first, but pretty soon, your limbs can go to sleep and be extremely painful to bring around after the fun.
If you are experimenting with spanking using a foreign object, choose a spot on the body that is particularly fleshy and not bony. For example, smacking someone on the forearm or foot will probably be much more painful than the thighs or booty because there is enough padding to cushion the blow without minimizing the sensations. You don’t need to shy away from the punishments that inflict a little bit of pain, but try to limit yourself to things that won’t cause any kind of significant or permanent damage.
Time to Get Into It!
Instead of endlessly Googling “how to BDSM” and hoping you will find something inspiring and educational, we want to give you the information you need to stay safe and enjoy a whole new spin on a “roll in the hay.” With these tips, you and your partner will be having some “naughty or nice” fun in no time at all!
